Boundaries

Rabbi D. came to town for 48 hours to find a house to rent and to attend the Transition Committee meeting (among other things). She found a place -- not far from me as it happens, and even got things straightened out with the cantor, so overall very successful.

Two concerns, though, one about us and one about her.

Us: I found myself in position of go-between between our cantor and new rabbi. He had a myriad of complaints about her visit here (mostly due to poor communication and his being a putz) and he did himself no favors with the ungracious way he behaved during her Shabbat visit. Guess who was the one to bring up his unacceptable behavior, a month after the fact? Temple president? No. Search Committee chair? No. VP of Administration? No, no, no. It was me. This is typical. If people are upset with someone's behavior, they'll talk about it behind their back but no one will inform them about it.

Her: Boy, she is different. Rabbi M. is very formal, very private and has boundaries a mile thick. Except for the shivas when his parents died, no one set foot in his house. Except for the big donors and temple presidents, nobody called him by his first name. If you saw him at a restaurant or something outside the temple, it was a bit awkward (especially if you were eating traif!).

Rabbi D. said during the Transition Committee meeting that she wanted to have people to her house, to be invited to Shabbat and holiday dinners, to come to our block parties and generally be enmeshed in our lives. She is a divorced mom of a daughter starting college, so she is pretty much on her own and looking for company. Different, in a good way. I think it's great.

But, on the way back to the airport, we discussed her last relationship, JDate, and if she wanted to be fixed up with people. I mentioned a sweet guy in our congregation who is in her age range, but "of course you're not allowed to date a congregant." She's like, well, until the last few years it was accepted, and it's not really forbidden, so why not? And I reiterated the wise saying, "don't poop where you eat." Whoa.

If she knew my particular issues in this area, she would know why I was so against it. I was not intending to tell her my story for at least six months, but it might have to be sooner.